Tied Up with a Bow

I've been cut from teams and it sucks. I've been put on the bench after making teams. That sucks too. Despite all those times I wanted to play and didn't get to, my senior season of my college lacrosse career went well, putting a bow on my sports package and sending it off nicely. And despite all the stress and heartache it's put me through, I still love sports more than almost anything in this world.
Now I'm on the other side of it, trying to decide whose packages to put the bows on and send off, whose packages should be filled with something else, and whose packages to start cramming stuff into because they seem durable- like they could hold a lot and still look really pretty. It's hard making these decisions.
Tonight I had a list of forty names (girls) in front of me. Six of them I knew I wanted on the team, twelve I knew I didn't, twenty-two names (girls) to discuss and decide, and ten more slots to fill for the team. For each of these twenty-two names (girls) I could come up with an argument as to why they should and why they shouldn't be on the team.
Most of the time there isn't a discrepancy between what's best for the individual girl and what's best for the team, but sometimes there is. The team/girl priority question has bounced around in my mind more times than a would-be-easy amount these past few years. I think "team" wins. I think. When it came down to the last six names (girls), two of them didn't make it because of attitude, and two of them did make it because of attitude; the other two made it because we believe they're good investments.
I would love to have a conversation with every girl that we discussed tonight and tell them why they did or didn't make it. I would love to tell every girl on my list that I see them as more than just a name, and that I was in their shoes, and that I know they can handle it. I would love to tell them that they are worth more than what team they are on, and that we as coaches don't think any different of our girls as people based on what roster they belong to. I would love to tell them that they can shine on any team, on the bench, on the field, during practice (especially during practice), and outside of a sports setting, and we as coaches notice our players in all these areas. We notice all the players in these areas- all the players, not just the "cool" ones. We hear things about you and know things about you that you don't know we know, and we care about your lives outside of whatever sport you're trying to excel at. I would also like to tell each girl that even though as coaches we choose what's best for the team (I think), the package you end up with is what's best for you. It may look different than you thought you wanted and it may be filled with things you didn't expect, but when you look back you'll be grateful for what you got out of it and what you were able to give because of it. That doesn't mean the hard times weren't hard and it doesn't even mean you don't wish things would have been different. It does means though, that you don't have the same story as anyone else, which is cool. It means that your coaches, captains, etc. were not only looking out for you but for the people around you. In the end you'll see that you created a really pretty package to wrap up and share with someone who needs it, someone who wouldn't benefit from any package other than what's individual and what you can rightfully call your own.

Author Side

My thoughts used to be much more poetic than they are now. I’m sad to say I’ve grown out of constantly thinking in lyrics or stories. Life’s gotten too busy for me to organize my thoughts in those ways, which is why this morning I was drawn to a talk “The Race of Life” by Thomas S. Monson. This talk was about realizing what really matters; at least that’s what I got out of it. So tonight, Gavin asked me what I wanted to do (and usually when he asks something like this late at night when all I want to do is go to bed, he’s referring to something in the bedroom that isn’t sleeping if you’re catching my drift) and I told him I wanted to sit outside and talk. It was 10:00 pm, Owen was asleep, it was 25 degrees outside, and the sky was extremely clear.  We put hats on, grabbed blankets, and laid on our driveway. We talked about people and places around us, how life is going too fast, and how the shadows on the tree looked like a bearded man’s face. It was so nice to slow down. It got me somewhat reconnected with my author side.

Lately this blog has just been a record. I love it. I love sharing our pictures and updates with friends and family who wouldn’t otherwise see the pictures or hear the stories. I like being able to go back on my documented adventures and recreate them with the information I posted. I like writing things down so I don’t forget them. Those reasons aren’t why I started blogging in the first place though. I started it because my author side wanted a personal place to share my thoughts and stories and experiences from my perspective. And I’m finally doing this again today for the first time in years.

Today in church, I taught a lesson on the Plan of Salvation. I believe everything that the LDS church teaches about the purpose of life, but there is still so much unknown, which I hate. I have a very rigid and skeptical way of thinking where I veer towards finding loopholes in any system. This is been a trait of mine that has been beneficial as much as harmful. Religious topics are probably where it’s easiest for me to spiral into “why this instead of this?” and “what about that person and their situation” and “I hate this because I don’t understand”.  I’ve leaked a few of the specifics out to my husband and to my best friend but for the most part I just go back and forth in my own head about minute details that can get me either real pumped or real upset.  There’s a song that speaks to me when I get in this place. It’s an LDS song by Doug Walker called “Things I Know”. I played this song in my class today and it resonated with me today as much, if not more, as it did years ago when I first heard it.

“I know babies come from Heaven/ I know God made their tiny hands and hearts/I know rainbows and roses are no accident/ neither are the sun, the moon, and stars.

So when I doubt/ and there are things in life I just can’t figure out/ I trust that God is in control/ and I hold on to the things I know.”

I’ve had undeniable experiences and feelings that testify of the truthfulness of God and his love for mankind. That doesn’t mean I know everything like I wish I did. When I start sinking, or when I jump into skepticism (Skepticism isn’t bad people! It can just cause some internal dilemmas), I try to hold on to those experiences and feelings that I know have been real for me.  Within the next little while, I plan to share some of those experiences, but I can’t right now because I’ve got to get some sleep for the stupid hustle and bustle of tomorrow.

One day when I live in a VW bus in the woods of who-knows-where without a to-do-list I will be able to blog like this more frequently because life will be slow enough to connect with my author side on the daily.  Until then…

January Update

I wish I had more time to write about it all, but here are our highlights of January!

This kid. Just everything about him. 

Snowboarding and skiing with friends. 

The Whole 30 for a week. It was a good idea. We didn't last because I couldn't handle spending ALL my free time in my messy kitchen and Gavin couldn't handle cutting out sugar ;) We will try it again one day! And we still cook Whole 30 meals for dinner a couple times a week!

The Provo Temple Open House. Every temple is beautiful but I promise this one takes it to the next level. The wood work and the wall paper- I never thought I could love those two things so much!

Lacrosse started! I love coaching! But as if I wasn't busy before lacrosse season started...

Owen and I are ready to kick some butt!

*Tubing at Soldier Hollow with my girls from Work

*Owen sledding with cousins

*Some time, but not enough, with family and friends.