Author Side

My thoughts used to be much more poetic than they are now. I’m sad to say I’ve grown out of constantly thinking in lyrics or stories. Life’s gotten too busy for me to organize my thoughts in those ways, which is why this morning I was drawn to a talk “The Race of Life” by Thomas S. Monson. This talk was about realizing what really matters; at least that’s what I got out of it. So tonight, Gavin asked me what I wanted to do (and usually when he asks something like this late at night when all I want to do is go to bed, he’s referring to something in the bedroom that isn’t sleeping if you’re catching my drift) and I told him I wanted to sit outside and talk. It was 10:00 pm, Owen was asleep, it was 25 degrees outside, and the sky was extremely clear.  We put hats on, grabbed blankets, and laid on our driveway. We talked about people and places around us, how life is going too fast, and how the shadows on the tree looked like a bearded man’s face. It was so nice to slow down. It got me somewhat reconnected with my author side.

Lately this blog has just been a record. I love it. I love sharing our pictures and updates with friends and family who wouldn’t otherwise see the pictures or hear the stories. I like being able to go back on my documented adventures and recreate them with the information I posted. I like writing things down so I don’t forget them. Those reasons aren’t why I started blogging in the first place though. I started it because my author side wanted a personal place to share my thoughts and stories and experiences from my perspective. And I’m finally doing this again today for the first time in years.

Today in church, I taught a lesson on the Plan of Salvation. I believe everything that the LDS church teaches about the purpose of life, but there is still so much unknown, which I hate. I have a very rigid and skeptical way of thinking where I veer towards finding loopholes in any system. This is been a trait of mine that has been beneficial as much as harmful. Religious topics are probably where it’s easiest for me to spiral into “why this instead of this?” and “what about that person and their situation” and “I hate this because I don’t understand”.  I’ve leaked a few of the specifics out to my husband and to my best friend but for the most part I just go back and forth in my own head about minute details that can get me either real pumped or real upset.  There’s a song that speaks to me when I get in this place. It’s an LDS song by Doug Walker called “Things I Know”. I played this song in my class today and it resonated with me today as much, if not more, as it did years ago when I first heard it.

“I know babies come from Heaven/ I know God made their tiny hands and hearts/I know rainbows and roses are no accident/ neither are the sun, the moon, and stars.

So when I doubt/ and there are things in life I just can’t figure out/ I trust that God is in control/ and I hold on to the things I know.”

I’ve had undeniable experiences and feelings that testify of the truthfulness of God and his love for mankind. That doesn’t mean I know everything like I wish I did. When I start sinking, or when I jump into skepticism (Skepticism isn’t bad people! It can just cause some internal dilemmas), I try to hold on to those experiences and feelings that I know have been real for me.  Within the next little while, I plan to share some of those experiences, but I can’t right now because I’ve got to get some sleep for the stupid hustle and bustle of tomorrow.

One day when I live in a VW bus in the woods of who-knows-where without a to-do-list I will be able to blog like this more frequently because life will be slow enough to connect with my author side on the daily.  Until then…